Unsolicited Advice

I got this email the other day from a guy I have never met in my life, nor had I ever emailed this person online. The only thing he didn't assume is the fact that I said on my profile that I want to make babies one day.  Here is our correspondence. 

Joe Schmoe 
You said something about making babies in your profile. You're a cute girl! and I'm sure that you have had a lot of great guys pursue you over the years whether you want to admit it or not. I think that if you ever want to make babies you should probably get very realistic w/ yourself and get over whatever issue/hang-up has kept you from getting married up to this point. Otherwise I think you should consider getting a few cats. (lets be realistic here, most everyone else finds decent guys, it's hard to believe that it always the guys fault/that there are no decent guys and none of the blame lies w/ you. 


--------------  In Reply To Message Sent:  7/15/2011 4:44:15 AM EST  --------------
ME
Wow, how about pouring some salt in my wounds? You absolutely have no idea who I am or what kind of efforts I've put into dating or heartaches I may have gone through. I have no hang ups about getting married. I never have. There's plenty of guys that I probably would have married had the chance presented itself. I don't see anywhere on my profile where I'm passing the blame to anyone. Sometimes dating just doesn't work out and there's not always someone to blame. I think there are lots of great guys out there but just because you meet great people doesn't automatically mean that things are going to work out with them. I've even met great guys here on [this website] before.
It is very judgemental to make assumptions like that about someone before you even know them.Your message is completely off base and an extremely rude thing to say to a complete stranger!


--------------  In Reply To Message Sent:  7/15/2011 12:06:28 PM EST  --------------
Joe Schmoe
We just see life differently I guess. You said some things dont work out, and I believe in making things work out. You said there are guys you probably would have married given the chance and I believe in creating chances. And as for the efforts you, me and others put into dating, I think we can both agree that there are many people that put a lot of effort into dating but sub-conscientiously sabotage their own efforts. Your message gives the impression that you believe that your single out of bad luck and circumstances. You dont seem to be blaming the men (good for you) but you dont seem to think any of the blame lies w/ you. Let's be honest if so many other women can get married then the problem really has to lay with you whether you want to admit it or not, because "bad luck" does not happen for 10+ years straight. I'm just telling you this because you really are an attractive women and could be married but first I think you need to be honest w/ yourself.


--------------  In Reply To Message Sent:  7/15/2011 12:55:47 PM EST  --------------
ME
VERY differently. Like I said, you have absolutely NO idea who I am or what I'm about.

I never said things haven't worked out because of 'bad luck'. That is absurd. There are usually reasons things don't work out, whether it be timing, disinterest, difference in standards, difference of opinion, whatever. Sometimes we never know why, sometimes we find out later in life. I do believe in making things work, but I do not believe in beating a dead horse. As much as you may want to try to make something work out, you can not control what someone else decides and you can not make someone attracted to you physically or to your personality. Sometimes you just can not make it work.

I never said the blame does not lie with me either. I am fully aware that have flaws just like everyone else. You are really reading too much into someone you know NOTHING about. You don't know how hard I may be on myself for my personal flaws and what I've done to try to over come those things. Dating and life are learning processes and we all learn in different ways and at different times.

You say so many other women have gotten married, but what about the thousands on this website who have not? What about all the women who DO get married and are divorced now. What about you? You are 28 years old and still single? Do you ever listen to our church leaders speak about single women? What about the women that never get a chance to marry in this life? Does that mean there is something wrong with them? MANY people around the world get married later in life or never. It would be wise to learn some charity and compassion for others before making the foolish mistake of placing judgements or false assumptions.

It sounds like you need some more life experience and I really think you should worry more about working on your own problems before you give unsolicited 'advice' to random people you don't know. Pull that beam out of your eye.

I'm not on this website for debates, nor do I need any additional advice. I would appreciate it if you didn't contact me again. 


--------------  In Reply To Message Sent:  7/15/2011 3:27:20 PM EST  --------------
Joe Schmoe
I agree 100% that some women will never get the chance to marry in this life. Many women are never going to attract a man. You don't have this problem. As for me, yeah, Im 28 and single but that's better than 33 and single but I am also divorced which in my opinion is better than never having gotten married. It means that I at least tried. I also admit that I have my hang-ups that have kept me from remarrying, and I take full and complete responsibility. I will not blame timing, or anything else but myself. I could have been married several times over since my divorce if I had wanted to but I have chose not to try and remarry while I was in Law School. 

Look at your reasons things don't work out "timing, disinterest, difference in standards, difference of opinion" What I am saying is: work around the timing, make yourself interested, get over the fact that he's not general authority material or that you don't see eye on even some important issues. But I agree 100% w/ you, that you cannot control someone else. I'm sorry if the most amazing men in your opinion have not been chasing you, try giving the guys that are/have pursued you a chance. In the end, these are not reasons why some is single they are excuses.

And I am not at all saying that the problem is that you don't beat yourself up enough, or that you're not hard enough on yourself. You are probably a great person! I think most people in your situation are single not because they are not awesome people, but because there is an issue under the surface that they don't fully admit: they are afraid of commitment, they cannot emotionally bond w/ others, they are afraid of the idea of being reliant on another person or are selfish and being married requires selflessness, and yes some are just too picky. I hate to break it to women but the quality of guy (and lets be honest there are different qualities) you could have married at 23 is not that quality you can marry at 33 usually, and until getting married is more important than being with a white knight the picky ones (not saying this is you, because I dont know you) are going to stay single. These are the real reasons, not timing. and people just need to get the guts to deal w/ the real issues instead of making excuses.

Now if you dont want to respond that is fine, but dont play the "I'm going to get the last word" game by sending me an email and telling me not to respond. If you dont want to talk about this, you never had to reply.

I never had to reply?  As if I'm NOT going to defend myself when someone makes a direct cut and makes assumptions, putting words into my mouth.  I wonder why his first marriage didn't work out?  If he is this assuming and critical of someone he doesn't even know, how much worse would it be in a relationship with this person? I certainly never want to find out!